What are Your Burning Relationship Issues?
To get the most value from your first session with me (Jacqui), it helps to have a sense of what your burning relationship issues are.
It can be tempting to ‘air all your laundry’ and explain in great detail all the things your partner has done to upset you and build your case. The fact is counselling is not an episode of Judge Judy and our goal is not to incriminate or direct blame.
Instead, thinking about your main issues with an open mind and ‘solution focus’ can help you avoid the ‘warts and all’ approach and other unproductive patterns.
Learn more about the therapeutic approach I take.
For now, let’s take a look at some helpful ideas for you to embrace for the best couples counselling experience.
Helpful Couples Counselling Concepts
Be Open Minded to Positive Solutions & Change
Having an open mind with a willingness to work toward solutions is an ideal approach. Talking through your top priority problems in your relationship while being less reactive and more inquisitive will be of great benefit.
Perhaps think of it like you’re an investigator and your job is to uncover and understand the motives and reasons behind the events and issues at hand.
Keep Your Eye on the Big Picture
While it’s necessary to talk about the small details at times, losing sight of the ‘forest from the trees’ can set you back or take you off course and delay making real progress.
Couples Counselling Takes Time
Counselling helps people in many different ways on varying time frames. Unfortunately there is no magic wand to ‘fix a relationship’. However real improvements can be seen in the first few sessions.
Significant breakthroughs tend to take a bit longer – the research by Gottman Institute suggests between 15 and 20 hours of therapy time is common to achieve significant outcomes.
Nearly every couple I guide through my Save My Marriage Program see significant change in their relationship within just a few sessions. When couples put in the work between sessions, they achieve further breakthroughs and get into a ‘positive groove’ in their relationship.
Check out this recent case study I documented to get a better idea of what I’m talking about.
You'll Save My Marriage Right?
I’m immensely proud that my popular Save My Marriage Program has helped hundreds of couples, guiding them toward a happier, healthier relationship.
And while the ride can be bumpy, facing challenges and setbacks, the couples who invest genuine effort and demonstrate a real commitment to saving their relationship often experience life-changing results. One of my couples summed it up beautifully
We came in feeling hopeless and preparing for divorce and left with hope.
So it’s entirely possible to Save Your Marriage when everything is feeling hopeless.
I use Gottman assessments to identify your relationship strengths and areas for improvement. We work together effectively and efficiently – by being on the same page and having clear goals in front of us.
Sometimes couples who work with me decide to take a break or end their relationship. Each relationship is unique and decisions are different for everybody. The important point here is that we all work together and you’re both supported to make decisions freely.
Ultimately you are supported to do what feels right for you at the time. Remember, taking a break or separating from your partner is an opportunity for a new beginning.
Is My Relationship Too Toxic to Save?
Your safety, health and well-being is my number one concern. I support you to make the best decisions and put safety plans in place if this is a concern for you.
People who decide to leave a toxic relationship are making the best decision they can at the time. Counselling during this turbulent time helps you cope better and make cool-calm decisions with your best interests at heart. When you are stressed or emotional it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and make irrational decisions that may not serve you well in the future. For more information learn about the window of tolerance.
Moving Goal Posts - Flexible & Adaptable
Counselling shifts and adapts to your needs, which do change over time. From repairing your relationship to supporting the start of a whole new life, understand that as your needs change, so do your goals and supports. I am here to support you and guide you to feel happy, confident and empowered to live your life fully.
Are We Getting Anywhere?
Taking the time for reflection and monitoring your progress is an important part of counselling and development. It’s so easy to forget all the good things when one bad thing comes along.
Building resilience to handle inevitable setbacks and recovering from distressing events is key, as is avoiding throwing in the towel when it all feels too hard.
Taking a break instead of quitting – is an important concept to hold.
Take on board the additional concepts below to make your counselling sessions easier and rewarding. You see, the better I can help you, the easier it is for you to get back the fun, happy, and loving relationship you desire!
More Couples Counselling Tips
Get your relationship back on track sooner
Have the Right Attitude
The right attitude can be more beneficial than any one specific action. It’s you your partner loves. You’re in this together, so coming in with an attitude of ‘team’, and ‘we’ not just ‘me’ can be helpful. Other helpful attitudes include honesty, patience, and commitment. Taking those on-board will serve you well!
Get to the Why
Unearthing the ‘whys’ of a situation in your relationship can feel daunting, especially when we’re fixated on assigning blame or proving who’s right.
However, shifting your focus to honesty, openness, and curiosity can lead you to helpful insights – the ‘whys’ of your experience & relationship.
Understanding these deeper reasons and motivations in your relationship helps you move past finger-pointing and assigning blame.
Instead there is a focus on compassion and empathy. See beyond surface conflicts, and get to the good stuff – exploring layers of meaning and purpose in your relationship.
These conversations enrich your connection with your partner, and it’s a wonderful milestone to reach!
But don’t worry – I help you reach these milestones and have these deeper conversations – it’s what I do!
Think Different
Finding the right words to say can be difficult, maybe because you have never learnt to say them or express yourself in a way to articulate how you feel.
Being willing to think differently and approach topics from a new angle, may feel uncomfortable at first. However the effort is admired and will be appreciated by your partner as new pathways are revealed toward accepting change.
You see – ‘We don’t know, what we don’t know’, and the truth is there’s a lot we don’t know! Some of it we never will. Being inquisitive and avoiding assumptions lets you be open to learning new things that can benefit you for the rest of your life. What a wonderful gift!
Change Yourself, Not Your Partner
When couples first see me there is often a long list of problems they have with each other, and their expectations are that their partner needs to change if they are ever to be happy in the relationship.
Flipping this expectation right around and focusing on improving yourself is a much better concept. It may seem strange and difficult at first but accepting to change your self first is an effective way to improve your relationship and happiness.
For you are only able to ever control your own actions and improve yourself.
Being Comfortable with Discomfort
Fear and uncertainty are a recipe for discomfort. Becoming comfortable with a level of discomfort is helpful to work through difficult topics, past and present.
Having the willingness to talk about difficult and sensitive topics is character building and it’s during these moments when significant shifts and breakthroughs occur.
See the Brighter Side of Life
The main aim of couples counselling and relationship coaching is to better understand yourself and your partner and the patterns of interaction between you.
With that being said, counselling can be an uplifting, rewarding and life-changing experience. Most couples I work with see the brighter side of life and we often share a laugh to make the experience interesting and enjoyable.
Despite the difficult topics and emotional turmoil, sharing a laugh (appropriately) can be a great stress reliever and provide a different way of looking at the world.
Taking Responsibility
Taking responsibility is something you can do in your relationship. In fact you both can. Imagine the effect of both taking responsibility…
Enjoy less blame, less arguing and a shift to a fresh ‘we & us’ based mindset.
Your partner is your mirror – what you put out there is often reflected back at you. Taking responsibility (even if you aren’t fully responsible) is a great first step toward creating a happy & healthy relationship.
Ready To Take The Next Step?
Embracing all these concepts is not easy. You are only human after all! This is why I have a range of resources, products and programs to support you – as well as working with me in session of course.
To get started – get in touch with me, and let’s have a chat about what going on for you. Click on the bookings button below to get in touch.
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